Everybody Lies

If you've ever watched "House" the doctor tv series you know where that title came from. I think he was exactly right. Met with my manager yesterday and talked to her about my symptoms and the problems I'm having with cognition. BIG MISTAKE .... Anyway I ramble on trying to get to the point. I need to go part-time. Well we don't have a part time position open over there. Can I job share? I don't know, they would still have to pay benefits to two different people then. Basically they don't give a rat's ass. They just want me to leave. Two of the laziest able bodied healthy people I work with took it upon themselves to say they are having to work too hard because of me. boo hoo. I know I need to forgive them, but right now I just want to whip both of their asses. The pain of that hurt is almost equal to the pain of losing my ability to be a nurse. Doesn't help anything that I work for the most heartless, don't give a crap hospital in the country. My emotions are a freakin mess. The stress of this is making the ms worse.  Xanax is my best friend. All I want to do is sleep.  Wake up and all this would have been a nightmare. I don't know weather to fight for my job or just give up.  I'm slower and I take longer to do things. But I can do them. I've never felt this betrayed and alone in my life. Curt's only concern is money. Want's me to "help" him by talking to him about it etc. I need a shrink. I'm so damn depressed right now I could scream. If you are reading this just so you know, I don't usually curse this much but the situation warrants it.
Everybody Lies

Tired of being tired

Well, I've had a pretty good week for a fat girl with MS. I think that's about all I can hope for nowadays. Somebody call me a whambulance.  Because right now, I just wanta whine. I cleaned my house today. Well, most of it. Clean 30 minutes, rest. Clean again, rest. Afternoon nap so I can go out and eat with friends. I never knew I missed cleaning my own house. It's the pace that I have to do it with now that drives me nuts. I like to do it all in one afternoon like the good ole days. Nope, all day project. It makes me feel good inside to know I did it and that counts for something. Hope this week is a good one. And that I am able to find a worker for me on May 4th. I am going to the beach with Teresa even if I don't have one. We will have a good time, because she gets me better than most. She won't push me or make me feel guilty about not feeling well enough to do xyz. So, it should be pretty relaxing weekend... Got to gear up for all that's on the calendar in May.  Enough of my ramblings for tonight. : D

Discouraged.

I love my co-workers. They are my best friends. We know everything about each other. Maybe too much, but it works. It helped me keep from losing my mind over the last couple years with this body going out on me and having this damn disease. I realized today that they still don't get it. Can't blame them, I look fine. I try not to complain much but every day I'm there is a challenge. A challenge that I welcome and have chosen to do. I do not want to lose my job. Without it, I think I would just sit in my house, get fat, and become suicidal. : /  I've been off every Wed. for at least a year. It allows me to keep working. I work two days, crash and recover, and then work two more. I was more or less forced to work on my day off. Combination of idiot scheduler, and too many patients. Had a trip planned this weekend. Working four days in a row. Yeah, I'm not going anywhere. Last time I worked three I swore I would never do that to myself again. And here I am.  Pressured into ruining my weekend. Just another price I have to pay for trying to live like I'm fine. Oh well, there are other weekends. The only thing I'm discouraged about is that they don't get it and they won't ever. I guess they think I'm lazy and just don't want to work.. who knows. This too shall pass and I won't ever do this again. (which was what I said last time) LOL I deserve a weekend not feeling like crap. Or at least I think I do.