Settled In

Well, I guess there always comes a point in your life when you make peace with the way things are. Although I suppose one doesn't have to. The other alternative is to just stay bitter and pissed off. I'm kinda tired of being bitter and pissed off. It's very draining.
I think I've made some progress since my last word vomit on this subject. I'm finally learning how to live with it rather than just fight it. Now don't get me wrong, I still have my days where I just wanta pout about it and have somebody feel sorry for me. But they are much further apart than they were even six months ago.  At the end of the day, nobody really gives a shit. It's not their fault and I'm not being mean or lashing out. It's just human nature. We really care about people when they go through hard times and we see them struggle with health problems, money problems, and a whole host of other things life throws our way. But, you can't carry the "care about" very long. I can't. I can only assume the same of others. I hope this doesn't sound crass. I'm just trying to keep it real.  With MS nobody even sees anything much different about you, so that makes it even harder to care. Out of sight out of mind. Which brings me to my "moving forward" of sorts.  I've wasted too much time wanting people to understand me and coddle me. Time I could of spent on working this thing out. This MS thing. I do have to schedule rest, even when it's inconvenient and others don't understand. It's just a fact. I have to weigh my options, as far as how I will use my energy for the day. And weekends will depend on how much rest I got on my days off. I even plan for lighter weekends when I know Monday is going to be a killer. I'm finally making it a habit to just always stop before I make plans and weigh my actions against the amount of energy I'll have left, or if the pain I cause will be worth doing that thing I really want to do.
So that's it.. I'm making progress, and it's about freakin time!

Everybody Lies

If you've ever watched "House" the doctor tv series you know where that title came from. I think he was exactly right. Met with my manager yesterday and talked to her about my symptoms and the problems I'm having with cognition. BIG MISTAKE .... Anyway I ramble on trying to get to the point. I need to go part-time. Well we don't have a part time position open over there. Can I job share? I don't know, they would still have to pay benefits to two different people then. Basically they don't give a rat's ass. They just want me to leave. Two of the laziest able bodied healthy people I work with took it upon themselves to say they are having to work too hard because of me. boo hoo. I know I need to forgive them, but right now I just want to whip both of their asses. The pain of that hurt is almost equal to the pain of losing my ability to be a nurse. Doesn't help anything that I work for the most heartless, don't give a crap hospital in the country. My emotions are a freakin mess. The stress of this is making the ms worse.  Xanax is my best friend. All I want to do is sleep.  Wake up and all this would have been a nightmare. I don't know weather to fight for my job or just give up.  I'm slower and I take longer to do things. But I can do them. I've never felt this betrayed and alone in my life. Curt's only concern is money. Want's me to "help" him by talking to him about it etc. I need a shrink. I'm so damn depressed right now I could scream. If you are reading this just so you know, I don't usually curse this much but the situation warrants it.
Everybody Lies

Tired of being tired

Well, I've had a pretty good week for a fat girl with MS. I think that's about all I can hope for nowadays. Somebody call me a whambulance.  Because right now, I just wanta whine. I cleaned my house today. Well, most of it. Clean 30 minutes, rest. Clean again, rest. Afternoon nap so I can go out and eat with friends. I never knew I missed cleaning my own house. It's the pace that I have to do it with now that drives me nuts. I like to do it all in one afternoon like the good ole days. Nope, all day project. It makes me feel good inside to know I did it and that counts for something. Hope this week is a good one. And that I am able to find a worker for me on May 4th. I am going to the beach with Teresa even if I don't have one. We will have a good time, because she gets me better than most. She won't push me or make me feel guilty about not feeling well enough to do xyz. So, it should be pretty relaxing weekend... Got to gear up for all that's on the calendar in May.  Enough of my ramblings for tonight. : D