Rantings

Beef for the day...  I have folks (very well-meaning) ask me several times a day how I'm doing? Am I ok? Are you sure you don't need me to do that. Really?  I have MS, I'm not carrying HIV or have cancer for goodness sakes. Yes, I talked about it WAY too much the first year. Nearly drove myself mad. Now, I try very hard to ignore it. Try to answer inquiries with "yes, I am doing fine" "doing pretty good, and you?" "Having many more good days than bad" Enough already...  I can't explain MS anymore than I can explain quantum physics! I can predict one hour at a time. That's it. Can't tell you what I will or won't do tomorrow, because I have to do what I CAN do each day. The future, and yes even tomorrow, is too far away for the ole MS hag to give me a heads up.  I can feel great one day and like s*** the next day. I would like to not feel judged, belittled, and snubbed during the bad days. . Stop being offended if I say something like "I will if I feel like it",  or "As long as I'm feeling good I will do xyz" I am not wanting sympathy, or understanding. I need you to trust me that the way I have to deal with each day, is ONE DAY AT A Time.  I do not have a lazy bone in my body. If I can't do today what I did yesterday, it doesn't mean I am lazy and just want to dump on my co-workers. Seriously? I'm too old for the junior high crap.  People who really know me, and knew me before I got this damn disease, know that it isn't in my nature to be a slacker. Grow up please, stop being a bitch, and be thankful for your health. You could lose it at any moment and be riding in my boat...

The common cold

I have never been so stinkin ticked off at this MS as I am right now.  I can't have a lousy cold without it putting me to bed. And of course, I have had one right after the other since November.  A couple weeks of feeling pretty good and then a few sniffles, a cough, congestion comes and Wham.  It literally feels like I've had the shit beat out of me.  Balance is screwed up, I can't remember my own name, and my vision gets a little blurry. And that's the short list. Never mind the muscle spasms in my legs and or my butt. All over the common cold. Talk about frustrating! I have never had this many colds in one season in my entire life. It's got to be these stupid injections I give myself every night. I guess it's lowering my ability to fight anything off. I was told this was a different type of DMD and the only thing that would be affected would by the body trying to shred my brain. Somebody lied. I'm convinced.. OK enough about that. Maybe a few more days of rest and I'll be feeling good again. If not, well, I guess I'll be on here ranting and raving again.

More me, less MonSter

It's quickly becoming evident that I can still have good days. As a matter of fact, I can have several good days. The trick is to not abuse my body through those good days. Excepting limitations is kind of like excepting a loss, divorce, death.. You don't want to, but you really have no other choice. If I can make my life better by controlling my thoughts, then that's what I want to do. That's what I HAVE to do! The cog fog is just embarrassing.  Well, that and potentially dangerous. Made my first med error the other day..  Not anything harmful. Gave the patient less drug than I should have and rectified it quickly. But only after somebody had to tell me what I did. That was a very sad moment for me. Just can't dwell on it. The shrink says, smile, relax, go slow. That's the way to keep my mind from escalating into a full-blown worthless state because I can't concentrate or stay on task. I can only do ONE thing at a time. Difficult if almost impossible for a nurse. Thank God I have co-workers that have my back.  Resting is not a luxury anymore. It's an absolute necessity. Just as necessary as taking my medicine. It feels like a waste of time. But I'm quickly learning it's one of the defenses I have in my arsenal of things to do or change in order to make my life, and the life of those around me, more normal. Of course it will  allow me to do more of what I want to do and less about what the MonSter wants.