Facing each day

Well the thing I'm learning the last few days is proving to be valuable.  I have to put some effort into changing the way I think about this monster. They say "You don't get MS, until you get MS" There's so much truth to that.  I've got to stop expecting people to understand what's going on with me every day, every minute and every second of every day. Now, does it matter that they don't understand? Not really... It's human nature I guess to want somebody to walk through this junk with you. The only person who can make this easier on myself is me. Yes, it does feel like yet another task I must complete in order to live a "normal" life. Or at least a life that looks normal, and makes me feel a part of everything instead of a bystander wishing I could do XYZ myself.   Stopping myself from talking about it is a major hurdle for me to leap. I've always aired my whole life to close friends and my husband and daughter.  However, this is different. This leaves people feeling powerless. Because ultimately nobody can do anything about it or "fix" it. Plus, I'm certain it gets on just about everybody's nerves. :D  So far so good. I've tried really hard to keep any thoughts feelings aches or pains etc. to myself the last week or so. Done much better this weekend by giving my poor husband a break from the MS vomit that usually spews out of my mouth. One day at a time. One step at a time. I will take the power from the monster. I will regain of my life.

Day two

Day 2 of meaningless blogging.  Saw my shrink today. He's supposed to give me some tools to help me channel the anger, frustration and self-pity. Trouble is I have to concentrate to control my thoughts. And I'm not to good at concentrating anymore. Herein lies the problem.  Anyway, besides exhaustion and burning behind my knees it's been a pretty good day. I'm learning to just put up with it and stop thinking about "Why Me?", or "I could have done this or that three years ago". " " I hate that person for being able to do what I should be able to do" I don't really mean I hate them. I'm just jealous...  Gotta start working on changing my thought-pattern. Feelings we have no control over. Thoughts we have some control of. Behavior is all we can control. And yes I got all that from the shrink. Hope tomorrow is a good day..

The MonSter

I thought it might be therapeutic to blog about this stupid disease. Multiple Sclerosis sucks. That's about all you can say about it. The many ways it sucks are seemingly endless. Since April 2010 I've know about the beast. For some reason it helps me to personify the old hag. She interferes with every day of my life in one way or another. It's like a bad relative you can't get away from. Or an overbearing boss that looks over your shoulder every few minutes. Carrying a ball and chain around with you like Jacob Marley in the Christmas Carol. Don't ask me where that came from. : )  I just like word pictures.

  Today she is causing my whole body to ache. My guess is it's weather related. Oh, and throw in some burning of my inner thighs down to the sides of both knees. Ice seems to calm that down. There's something cathartic about putting your thoughts on paper. So, this blog will be painfully honest.  The persona about the beast is much different at work. Around my extended family it's yet another. My husband is another and My daughter is yet another. Coming in contact with the public calls for yet another way to handle it. I'm tired just thinking about it. My co-workers want me to shut up about it. LOL They've had to hear me bitch and complain for almost two years. Clearly, they need a break. So in large part I hide how I feel about it, what I think about it, how it's affecting me that day and of course I'm learning more and more to say "I'm doing fine" Helps me feel normal. My extended family I see little of. So I can pretend it's all good around them. My poor dear husband gets MOST of the truth. Some of my thoughts I try and keep to myself. My daughter doesn't need to know all about it. It will only make her feel sorry for me. And scare her. The public has no patience with anybody who's not normal. I get huffing and puffing when I'm slow. I get stares when on a rare scooter ride. My goal this year is to just not give a dang how it affects others. But rather, try and control how it affects me... And build on that. OK, enough rattling for one day..